Damn Legs Grow Slow

I think it's time to find a NinjaNanny. I say this after spending the last six days on the verge of death waiting for my legs to grow back after being bum rushed by a group of mystics from Brooklyn. Bastards. So spending a week on the street with my NinjaSon not knowing if I was going to live or die makes a ninja reflect on stupid things he's done in his life.

Top Ten Stupid NinjaDad Things

10. Insisting on saying Tomahto instead of Tomato
9. White Ninja Outfit with white Parachute Pants in the 80's.
8. Love of McDonalds Monopoly game.
7. Yelling "Finish Him" and then doing my own made up Mortal Kombat Finishing Moves in the 90's (that rip the spine out thing is harder than it looks).
6. Buying a $800 stroller after spending too much time in tha Slope.
5. Trying to figure out the Original Ray's family tree.
4. Watching Gymkata
3. Thinking Mojitos were cool
2. Did I mention the White Ninja Outfits?
1. Getting Bum rushed by a Bunch of Mystics from Brooklyn and getting my legs chopped off in the process while carrying my NinjaSon around everywhere I go because I refuse to spend $30/hour for a Manhattan NinjaNanny.

So if you think raising a kid is hard, try doing it on the streets with no legs. Have you ever walked on freshly chopped off legs? BoyHowdy does it smart. So I had to panhandle for a while while waiting for my legs to grow back...Here are some signs I made.

Will Ninja For Pizza

Learn My Secret Identity: $5.00

Kiss a Ninja: $1

Ninja Secrets: $10 and I promise I won't kill you afterwards

Underneath This Mask I Look Really Sad So Give Me Some Pizza

Don't make me use the Ninja Mind Trick on you

Yes, I am David Blaine

I'll Remember You Cheap-ass

Does This LOOK like a Costume Asshole?

$800 Stroller, yours for only $790

My Arms Still Shuriken, Walk Away at Your Own Risk

Wanna feed a Ninja?

Ninja Knock-Knock Jokes Told Here

So thanks to the kind-hearted citizens of this fair metropolis I received a lot of pizza for me and NinjaSon (he can eat crust and bits of cheese now) and I learned that under harsh situations I can lactate. I also grew a new pair of legs which took a lot longer than I thought and I think one came out a bit shorter than the other. NinjaSon is OK, I told him we were doing an anthropology experiment. I realize now that $30/hour isn't that bad for a NinjaNanny, and besides, my baby is actually a bit big to be Bjorned any longer. I need to find a safer place for him. The important thing is that we're home and safe. And in two weeks I'm taking out the rest of those damn Brooklyn Mystics...all three hundred twenty four of you bastards. But tonight we get to walk the streets in peace and No I am not dressing up as a Ninja...I think I'll be a NinjaPirate and NinjaSon is going to be my Parrot.

Timing is Everything

Dear NinjaSon,

I took you to Color Me Mine the other day to get one of those imprint frames made but thanks to your damn speedy NInjaDevelopment, we couldn't get you to make a footprint. (Sigh) Kids grow so fast...one moment they're leaving footprints the next they leave no signs of their existence. I'm lucky you haven't turned invisible yet. I had to paint little footprints instead, you thought it was funny. Although you are already learning to leave no physical mark in this world, know that you will always mark my heart the deepest.

Love,
NinjaDad

Shuriken on My Keyboard

Hey didn't know there was a shuriken key. Hmmm very interesting. I will have to use it as a signature from now on. Here I go.....


*
Hmmm...looks a little small...like a NinjaBaby Shuriken. Maybe I can jazz it up....

* <------------ Deadly death is flying at you to take your miserable life of misery away from your sad frail possession and will give it another worthy soul through reincarnation because you are now DIE!!!!!!!!!!

Hmmm a little verbose, like I'm trying too hard. How about these:

* <------- phhht pht pht pht DIE!!!!

3....2....1....*

** * ***** * *** ********* *** **** ********* <---- all in 4 seconds and flying at your epiglottis

xxxooo*** <----hugs and kisses and youdienow

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*********************** **** and finally my last one: * (now you know how many Shuriken I carry on casual Fridays)

NinjaFriends Activate: Punchrobert.com

This man is gifted

Nun + Ninja = Nunja

Nunja....oooh very very rare type of Ninja.

Sidekick vs. Roundhouse

Ahhh the perpetual debate. Sidekick or Roundhouse. It's like EE Cummings or William Carlos Williams. Sake or Soju. Knight Rider vs. Manimal. You see the sidekick is so simple. Kick to the side, no arc of hip, just up and out. Let's say for instance you need to kick down the wall to Jack In the Box because they forgot your hot sauce for your two-for-99cents tacos and you don't want to wait in the drive-through line again. That's sidekick time. Or you're holding a large box of items to take to the Goodwill and you need to knock on the neighbor's door to ask him to move his car out of the way since it is blocking yours in while pondering whether or not you should just take the subway instead and then he opens the door just when you change your mind and decide he must die now by second sidekick.

"Heya neighbor, what's with the box?"
"Oh yeah Hi Bob, yeah I'm just going over to the Goodwill to drop off these old snow-ninja outfits..."
"Yeah, I remember those were big when parachute pants were in."
"Yeah, don't make me moonwalk. haha. "
"Haha yeah...Frankie Says RELAX"
"Hahah yeah and Jelly shoes.... anywho, I was just wondering if you noticed that your car is just barely blocking me in. No big deal because I'm prolly just taking the subway anyway but, you know, just wanted to let you know..."
"Oh no really? Man I'm really sorry I had no..."
"DIEHIYASIDEKICKWATA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
(thud)

Simple. Straight to the point. Hard to block. Sidekick.

Now the roundhouse...that's a whole other story. The roundhouse is oldschool. Large sweeping kick that comes from a mile away. The roundhouse kick is the only kick that will actually text message you to let you know when it is arriving.

d00d, jUs wNtD 2 lEt u nO I wZ drPpNg bi 2 vist l8tR mAyB laNd on yr heD n kNoK u OuT K?

The roundhouse is easy to block. It is a very intentional kick, almost dramatic. No kick says you're my bitch like the roundhouse. It's good for finishing attacks, putting out candles across the room, closing microwave oven doors, and lighting other people's cigarettes. The roundhouse makes a statement.

I like both of them, the utility of the sidekick vs the expressionism of the roundhouse. Wow I'm going to have to go roundhouse kick somebody right now. Hmm oh yeah I got another neighbor that borrowed my potato ricer...

Walking into the Bank, Liquor Store, Supermarket, DMV, Starbucks, Jollybee, Laudromat, or Chuck E Cheese

NinjaDad: (Looking Around At Everybody) .....um touchdown?

Haiku for NinjaMom: We miss you

first year without Mom,
sorry these hot dogs suck son,
her love: our ketchup

NinjaDad vs. The Villains of October

Every year it's the same. Man I hate October. Here's my month of assignments so far...



#45827

Is this a joke? I'm really fighting you? Lady what is on your head? Let me take a wild Ninja Guess...you're not really Japanese? Are those run-flats? (I thought I was doing a traditional fan battle until she whipped out the bowlingball of death from her Goodyear hat)

#45828

Oh yeah...I'm totally on to you. BowlingBall me once shame on you, bowlingball me twice shame on me. I already took out your sister...hey wait a sec. You're too lazy to bother putting on your make-up? What kind of fake Geisha are you? You are not even trying. And where's your fan? What the hell are you going to fight me with, cheeky bravado? I see. Very crafty. (Actually she was a lot tougher than her sister)

#45829

Oh sorry I get it. Yeah I saw Pretty in Pink, you're like the poor one right? And you had to make your own Geisha dress with left over scraps but a lot of spunky heart. Well you do have the fan but um... not the make-up. Hey where did you get that fabulous SpaceBalls helmet?! (actually her helmet was the toughest of the three)

#45830

Ok so I guess I had to meet their pimp eventually. Hey man nice 'stache! Don't you dare kick me with those flip-flops. Fo-Shizzle.

#45831

Whoa you're a chick? I thought you were Teller.

#45832

Wait a sec, I thought I was done with all the crappy Geisha assignments. Hey did you get that at Hot Topic? Those dragons look really really Asian.

#45833

Doooo do dodo, do do, dodo....can't touch this. Then I killed him. But I don't think he got my joke. He just kept looking confused like that. Don't make me sing Pumps and a Bump...

#45834

Holy cow! What the high-holy-heck are you supposed to be? Elvira goes to Tokyo to film a whisky commercial and then comes home with a new sense of identity and personal empowerment after spending 10 days in a hotel warmed only by the company of a fellow purpose-of-life-seeking Hotel patron. And then she dies.

#45835

Hey wassup Sam? Damn you are one stuck up guy. What? Did you just call me a Ronin? Do you know how derogatory that term is these days? And why are you holding your sheath? You do know that that connects to your armor right? Yeah that little loop thingy, yes, you attach it there. Here let me show you...

#45836

Finally a Ninja! Hey wait a sec. What NinjaSchool did you go to? Why are you holding you're sword like that? Why do you have a Dragon on your chest? Are you Cobra Kai: Ninja Division? And where are your Tabi boots? Do you not have big-toes? (Sigh) Here let me show you...

#45837

Hey dude. Are you taking a dump? And you're the second guy tonight I saw holding their sword like that. Prepare to what? Who are you talking to, me? Prepare to Die? You want me to prepare to Die? You're crazy. Hey dude that's like one kick-ass outfit! Is that like a dragon on the back? Cool can you turn around and show me? Hi-Ya...

#45838

Arrrrgggg! You I'm just going to send home. This is too obvious. Yes, go home. Just turn around and tell everyone I killed you because you're a little too sad. Yeah yeah I know you'll kick my ass yeah yeah yeah, just seriously, seriously just go home to your boat or your band what is it Blink 182? Oh sorry Angels and Airwaves yeah sorry, won't happen again. Ok bye. Don't hit anyone with that sheath you're wielding. Yes, yes you do look "Chinese", yeah I get it. Ok Bye-Bye.

#45839

STOP! Yes I heard you I will....STOP! Now what? Dang nice vest, Old Navy? Yes I heard you already, can you say anything other than STOP?! What are you supposed to be like a Red Bull or something? Isn't that a Red Bull Can-Headband on your head? Thems some fancy boots. Hey wait a sec isn't that a Daddy Daipie Vest you're wearing? I'm gonna have to borrow that...

#45840

Finally the leader of these idiots. Hey wait a sec, you used to be on Saved By the Bell! Man times are that tough huh. SO.... explain to me again the whole you wearing that hat and not being like...you know Asian or anything. I mean am I supposed to be offended or are you like commenting on cross-minority transownership of systemic injustice? Huh, you say you are a coolie? What's a coolie? Can't hear you...come a little closer...

Sigh. And that was just week one. Rotten month let me tell you.

OBEY NinjaDad

Oooh be cool and go deface many blogs with the new urban NinjaDad Blogsticker.

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Don't forget to delete the (DELETE-THIS) before posting

Ninja Daipie Bag

Heres what I carry in my daipie bag

74 shuriken - various types
1 PSP with tons of YouTube Downloads
8 Pampers size 1 - No substitutes
1 official NinjaDad Changing Pad
1 Grappling Hook
1 Pack Daipie wipes
1 bag Cheerios
1 list of names of people soon to be very very very dead
1 mint (how'd that get in there)
1 floppy hat so that NinjaBaby doesnt get a NinjaTan (its like the opposite of ski-goggle tan)
1 picture of NinjaMom
6 binkies
2 bibs
52 caltrops (note to self: do not mix caltrops up with cheerios)
1 Manhattan Daddygroup Membership card
4 Pampers coupons
1 Emergency Tanto
1 small plastic duck with plastic bags inside (can be used to toss out daipies or smother assignments)