Monday, January 15, 2007

I used to be cool

When I was a young Ninja, I tore up this city like a chainsaw oil fire. It helps when you can get into any venue at any time on any whim. Even if I did not have the ability to seemingly pass through walls and make the impossible common, or if I didn't have mind control abilities, or if you took away my intimidating fear induced mastery of the common man, or even if you stripped me of all Ninja skill and abilities and removed my genetic disposition for manifesting impossible outcomes, I still had the simple fact that as a young Ninja I had "it". But as a NinjaDad I have new responsibilities and being a single NinjaDad means I no longer have the time to be an aging scenester. So when I by chance stepped into my new favorite bar the other week, all I could do was take a quick look around, sip a cocktail, kill a patron, and soon be on my way. A small sacrifice to make considering the joys I encounter every day as father. All the cocktails in the world could not replace the euphoria of watching my NinjaSon take his first steps on the ceiling. But for those of you who have the chance, stop by this place. You won't be disappointed.

Death & Co.

Sunday, January 07, 2007

Lesson #245: How to Heal a Broken Heart

It's not the girl you miss,
you miss the days she's wrapped in,
you can find the girl today,
but as a good man once said,
the days run away like wild horses over the hills.

Wednesday, January 03, 2007

Deadly Silent Sounds of the Season

Ahh the holiday season has come and gone, Ninjmas, Hour of Perpetual Midnight, New Years etc etc. With all of the evil and danger and deathly faces of deadly death that I face throughout the year, why am I so afraid of the Holiday Season? Here are some highlights....

Snowflakes: Nature's Little Shuriken

OK. Nothing reminds me of youth like killing somebody with snowflakes. OK here's my gift to the common to kill people with snowflakes. Easy.
1) Rub fingers together, produce slight electrical charge.
2) Select 6 pointed snowflakes, avoid radiating dendrites, split plates, arrowhead twins or rosettes.
3) Suspend snowflake between finger and thumb with electrostatic finger field.
4) Telekinetically spin snowflake counterclockwise if north of the equator, clockwise if south.
5) Produce negative space between the path of the snowflake and its target using either penetrating stare technique or the soulless wanderer.
6) Turn snowflake 90 degrees and release into negative space.
7) Repeat. It takes usually 400 to 500 snowflakes to kill an man, they're pretty small.

Oh and don't forget the real shuriken in Christmas colors and snowflake designs. Brings cheer to deadly death.

Ok other highlights...

TMX Elmo. Yeah you want to fight me for one? Seriously? No really? I'm not joking I will kill you right now in Walmart. What about dressed in all black with only my deady eyes showing do you not understand? Give me the Elmo.

Pictures with Santa. Umm yeah NinjaSon has now been banned in 14 malls across America. Um these malls also have job opening available for next year's Santa. Please enquire to each individual location. Do not ask about life insurance benefits.

Dinner with the In-Laws. Always ends up in a wrestling match between me and my father-in-law. For an old-ass Ninja he sure can bite an ear off pretty good still.

Christmas Lights. Ours are black. But they do have the twinkle setting.

So with the Holidays behind us we begin a new year. Although NinjMom is not here with us we carry her forward in our hearts. We lit little paper shuriken for her at the New Year and smiled as their embers lifted into the night sky.