Monday, August 27, 2007

Crap I didn't Quite Know 10,000 Times Better Than a Normal Man #1 out of probably 5 or 6 tops

Dear NinjaSon,

There are things in this world that you know about through words or tales or history or dreams or imagination or fortune cookie fortunes and yet until you hold it in your mouth, you know nothing.

I thought I knew how to kill a Siberian Muskateet with a blade of grass and three peanut skins. I thought wrong.

I thought I knew how to find Carmen San Diego. She's not real.

I thought I knew how to block a bullet with my nose. Only half right.

I thought I knew how Forever 21 keeps their finger on the pulse of teen fashion. I wasn't even close.

I thought I knew which location was the Original Ray's. Everyone ends up a little right about this one. Still confusing as hell.

Knowing something and experiencing it are two completely different things. Even shared experiences are completely different. People who have sired children have this ridiculous belief that they somehow know something about raising kids because theirs aren't dead. Congratulations, you must be a fucking expert. Tell me your child rearing secrets.

I am Ninja. I have a big head about all kinds of stuff. Mostly like um killing related or fighting or keeping blacks black, but even I realize that raising you, my son, on my own does not qualify me to say anything to anybody about how to raise children, Ninja or otherwise. And no one, I don't care who you are, can simply imagine what it is like having a child. It's much better and far worse than anyone can imagine. Good and bad. Yin and Yang. Take tonight for example.

Tonight was the last time you cried. It hit me like a freight train, that mid-cry silence. And like only a Ninja Father knows, I knew that you had reached that Ninja milestone all Ninja Parents look so forward to until it comes. Somewhere during the first 4 years of life, all Ninja babies stop crying. As in forever. As in Johnsons and Johnsons. As in "Your song makes no sense Mr. Timberlake".

There were days that I wished for this moment to come sooner rather than later. I remember one day you cried nonstop for 40 to 70 seconds. I'm not kidding. NONSTOP. I thought I was going to die from all the racket. I apologized to all the neighbors. Killed one. But even that guy I apologized to while killing him.

But tonight, when I heard your tears stop, I ran to you and swept you into my arms and held you tight. I watched your tears dry as you smiled at my face. You smiled as I tried to do everything I could to physically slow time down. Ok I guess I did stop time for a bit. That really puts a strain on the whole frontal cortex thingermabob. But I knew I could not keep time frozen for longer than like 3 weeks, so I just stopped and let it go. My son, each moment that passes, passes. And I cannot bear being reminded of this journey that slowly mills our tomorrows into memories. And as I have said to you before, do not miss the ones that you love once they are gone. Miss them now. Know your love every small moment of this world. I knew my love for you as I held you in my arms, but I had not known how much I would miss even your tears. So although you cannot learn what it is to be a father through my words, remember that even the worst day parenting is better that your best day killing strangers.


Tuesday, August 21, 2007

13 days

13 days since NinjaSon stabbed anybody

It always starts with some waiter or waitress uttering the ridiculous sentence: "Look how cute the little NinjaBaby cuts his food!"
NinjaBaby laughter

Turn the kid around in his highchair and start timing his timeout. He usually throws imaginary shuriken at all the restaurant patrons.

They smile thinking he's waving.


So here are a list of things that NinjaBaby has been able to seriously stab with:

Any chopstick
ice cream stick
paper chopstick wrapper
Popeye's Biscuit
Denny's Kids Menu
Gray's Papaya Hot Dog
Any Sandwich toothpick thingy
1 crisp deli pickle
sweet and low

Yeah, pretty frustrating. Don't Stab! No Stabbing! Time out for Stabbing! Time out! Time out! Time Out! Stab No More!

So I finally found something he can hold and not stab anyone with. Yeah it's a small balloon. Like water balloon size, but filled with only air. And he's happy. He still tried to kill someone with it but all it did was pop in the guys mouth. NinjaSon pulled it out in disbelief. Yeah kid, the guys gonna live. You can't stab with a balloon. That was day 1. It's now day 13 and the kid is still carrying around this little popped balloon. Still trying to figure out how to stab someone with it. I've had 13 days of relative peace. It's nice. But man keep this kid out of Gray's Papaya, seing someone stabbed with a snappy wiener is not a pretty sight.