Monday, October 30, 2006

Damn Legs Grow Slow

I think it's time to find a NinjaNanny. I say this after spending the last six days on the verge of death waiting for my legs to grow back after being bum rushed by a group of mystics from Brooklyn. Bastards. So spending a week on the street with my NinjaSon not knowing if I was going to live or die makes a ninja reflect on stupid things he's done in his life.

Top Ten Stupid NinjaDad Things

10. Insisting on saying Tomahto instead of Tomato
9. White Ninja Outfit with white Parachute Pants in the 80's.
8. Love of McDonalds Monopoly game.
7. Yelling "Finish Him" and then doing my own made up Mortal Kombat Finishing Moves in the 90's (that rip the spine out thing is harder than it looks).
6. Buying a $800 stroller after spending too much time in tha Slope.
5. Trying to figure out the Original Ray's family tree.
4. Watching Gymkata
3. Thinking Mojitos were cool
2. Did I mention the White Ninja Outfits?
1. Getting Bum rushed by a Bunch of Mystics from Brooklyn and getting my legs chopped off in the process while carrying my NinjaSon around everywhere I go because I refuse to spend $30/hour for a Manhattan NinjaNanny.

So if you think raising a kid is hard, try doing it on the streets with no legs. Have you ever walked on freshly chopped off legs? BoyHowdy does it smart. So I had to panhandle for a while while waiting for my legs to grow back...Here are some signs I made.

Will Ninja For Pizza

Learn My Secret Identity: $5.00

Kiss a Ninja: $1

Ninja Secrets: $10 and I promise I won't kill you afterwards

Underneath This Mask I Look Really Sad So Give Me Some Pizza

Don't make me use the Ninja Mind Trick on you

Yes, I am David Blaine

I'll Remember You Cheap-ass

Does This LOOK like a Costume Asshole?

$800 Stroller, yours for only $790

My Arms Still Shuriken, Walk Away at Your Own Risk

Wanna feed a Ninja?

Ninja Knock-Knock Jokes Told Here

So thanks to the kind-hearted citizens of this fair metropolis I received a lot of pizza for me and NinjaSon (he can eat crust and bits of cheese now) and I learned that under harsh situations I can lactate. I also grew a new pair of legs which took a lot longer than I thought and I think one came out a bit shorter than the other. NinjaSon is OK, I told him we were doing an anthropology experiment. I realize now that $30/hour isn't that bad for a NinjaNanny, and besides, my baby is actually a bit big to be Bjorned any longer. I need to find a safer place for him. The important thing is that we're home and safe. And in two weeks I'm taking out the rest of those damn Brooklyn Mystics...all three hundred twenty four of you bastards. But tonight we get to walk the streets in peace and No I am not dressing up as a Ninja...I think I'll be a NinjaPirate and NinjaSon is going to be my Parrot.


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