Friday, September 22, 2006

...oh yeah, about that spinal tattoo.

Ahhh yes. One of the first questions you will probably have my son when you get to this site is about that tattoo. Upon your eighteenth birthday the mole on your back will have grown large enough for you to realize it is actually a tattoo which, with ever passing year, has grown with you. Once you had reached the age of 18 the micro-tattoo had grown large enough to become visible to the naked ninja eye. It's like a little ninja practical joke. ROTTL-SBIAN!! (roll on the tatami laughing silently because I am Ninja). Oh, how did I learn the secret art of micro-tattoo you ask? Ahhhh let me share a NinjaDad story.

I was on Telegraph Ave in Berkeley one day on my way to assassinate the first of 24 hippy assignments I had scheduled before lunch, when I began feeling a little hungry. I was surprised considering the fact that I clearly remember having eaten at least three days before. So what do you know, I see a few steps before me my favorite meal, a single grain of rice. It is guarded by a fat man wearing large spectacles and a Phish Phever T-shirt who I quickly kick in the esophagus. As I reach towards the grain of rice I suddenly see the unbelievable. On this grain of rice in gigantic letters was the word Jon. I quickly allowed the fat man to begin breathing again and asked him...

"How is this possible? Letters so large on a single grain of rice? You must know a Ninja."
"Hrckle, fegmatta", the fat man replied. So I realized he still cannot breathe correctly so I punch him in the diaphragm.
"I do this," the fat man replied.
"Shaddup, get the Ninja out of here" I said in disbelief.
"No I can write your name on a grain of rice"
"But can you write that which is not my name?"
"Umm sure like what?"

And so I had the fat man write many amazing things for me.

live/die (one on each side of the rice)
If you can read this then you are already dead in 5...4...3...2...1 (Ok Ok he used longgrain rice for that one)
NinjaBaby(this one is for you...check your belly button....I still love you and even though I am dead I can still give you presents)
camel (if you are laughing at this you are one step closer to my true identity...therefore one step closer to death)

And so I befriended fat man and had him teach me his writing skills. I also learned about Che Guevara and indoor growing techniques, but that is neither here nor there. The important thing is that I had learned to write very very small. And this is how I came to tattoo the message upon your back: I love you my only NinjaSon, you will find my collected writings of wisdom, life lessons, funny stories, hopes and wishes, fashion picks, gadget reviews, ninja-recipes, family trees, friends of NinjaDad, anecdotal musings of the poetry of day to day life, throat-kicking techniques, tips on how to keep your Ninja hood clean, essays on entitlement in the modern age and how we can regain old-time values, and knock-knock jokes at or possibly a simpler destination known

Oh and of course I had to kill the fat man. It is the circle of NinjaLife.


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